I actually believed you.

Every word that crawled out of your mouth was an infatuating lie. I can’t see you around school without my heart crumbling. It’s foolish.. right? It’s been almost a year.

For truancy, stupidest shit ever. Anyways, me and a couple more kids from my school were in the justice court, the “Justice of The Peace” with the judge and our parents and what not. & this one girl gets called up, I’ve seen her around school a couple of times but I’ve never actually talked to her. She looks happy, surprisingly because you know, we were at court. And when the judge starts asking her questions she starts to get a worried look on her face, she starts breathing extremely fast. Anxiety attack, of course. I felt so bad because I know what it feels like & I couldn’t do anything to help her. Back to the point, they ask her why she wasn’t going to class.. she stood there in silence. & once she opened her mouth tears were sliding down her face. She was opening up to the judge in front of a room full of her classmates. She started explaining how one day she decided to tell her friend everything. & of course her friend went around telling everyone. What a great “friend,” right? People would give her so much crap, they would push her, shove her, degrade her. They would throw her around like she’s a piece of shit, like she means nothing. They would laugh at her, and mock her. She explained how she would try to tell her teachers that her classmates were bullying her. But her teachers never believed her, because every student that picked on her was a “teachers pet.” How sad. They would bully her to the point where instead of going to class, she would go to the restroom & cry her eyes out. Why? Because she has a lesbian mom and she’s is bi-curious. By the time she finished her story, she couldn’t breathe.

& that’s why I hate 99.9% of the people at my school. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel to others. It’s depressing. Why the fuck do people care about other people’s sexuality? It’s their life & only they decide how to live it. There’s no fucking problem with that. Being “gay,” or “lesbian” is just a label. It’s love. That’s the way I look at it. People can love whoever the fuck they want to love. & that’s that. But that’s just my opinion.

Anyways, court went well… in a way. I only got 30 hours of community service, but I don’t mind that. I actually enjoy doing community service. But there’s still a lot of consequences to be payed.. & that’s what I get for fucking up.

This is how I’m spending my weekend, while everyone else is out partying; how fun.

Neon Indian, Arctic Monkeys, Frank Ocean, The Rapture, M83, & Swedish House Mafia. <3 :D

My days have been so bipolar lately. At school I’m the happiest person ever. Then I come home to my parents yelling at me for every little thing I do. & I always end up going to school with my eyes all red.. which makes people constantly ask if I’m high.

I just wish my parents will decide to leave me here while they go out of town this weekend.

It sucks to be an outsider in your own home.

& I’m hoping that you’ll actually realize how much I like you.

Fuck this shit.

& that was my rant of the day. It’s pretty pointless.

“If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall. Stare into the past, and forget it all.” <3

May 9, 2012; Nothing changed after that night. Drugs are still a part of my life, as much as I hate to admit it. It’s not hard to quit.. for me, & that’s the sad part. I CAN quit. It’s just the fact that I don’t really want to. I know what’s best. & I know that if I keep this routine, the whole I’m in will just go deeper & deeper. But I have a little bit of hope, that even if I stick with drugs, I’ll eventually get my shit straight. As of right now, that doesn’t seem possible.. which is why I should stop. & I did for a couple of days. But when I’m around people that are smoking, I’m tempted to just put that pipe in my mouth and take a hit. But with just a few hits, I’m gone. My anxiety comes back, it’s always the same shit running through my head, “why did you do it? why did you smoke? You can stop, you’re strong enough to quit this immature shit.” But the thing is, I’m sixteen & in high school. I want to have adventures, & I want to have fun. But that’s a load of crap. I can have fun & I can have adventures without drugs.. just like I used to. But like it says in the book Go Ask Alice, “after you’ve had it, there isn’t even a life without drugs.” I wish I never started. I wish I could go back to February 17, 2011 & change what happened. I wish I never put that fucking apple to mouth, & smoked. I remember coughing, my throat was burning like a little bitch. But I guess that’s what’s supposed to happen. You’re supposed to cough. It was my first time smoking.. ever, my freshman year. I wish I never got into smoking. I regret that day, like no other. I wish I still had good grades, I wish I still cared about school. But I don’t, fuck school. They don’t teach you shit there, what is geometry, or world history going to do for me later in life? I could care less. & that’s what I hate. I wish I could tell my parents all the shit I’ve done, & how I felt while doing it. But if I did, they would think I was crazy. They would send me to rehab, they would do so much shit to me. Even though it wouldn’t help, since I don’t want any help whatsoever. I can’t even look straight into my parents eyes without feeling guilty, without having a sense of regret, without getting anxiety. I guess that’s why I can’t open up to them. I wish I could. I wish I didn’t have anything to hide from them. I wish I didn’t bring this pain into my family. I wish I could take back everything that happened, but then I don’t. My past has made me into who I am.. whoever that is.

I used to be one of those people that was so against drugs. I never got the point of them, to me it was all useless. & I guess it still is.. in a way. I wish I could go back to February 17, 2011, & change my decision to try weed. I wish I could go back to June 21, 2011 & change my decision to put that pill in my mouth. I wish I could go back to the day I tried triple c’s and Robitussin, & change my decision to do it. I wish I could go back to January 6, 2012 & change my decision to put that damn cigarette in my mouth. I wish I would have listened to everyone who warned me about drugs. I wish my friends were as determined as I am to quit this crap. But that’s all I can do now, wish to go back in time to change everything. But my biggest regret of all, May 9, 2012. The day I went on a beer run and got caught. Truth is, it wasn’t my first beer run. But it was the first time I got caught. Is that why I regret it? Because I got caught? Yes, I’m not gonna lie. If I wouldn’t have gotten caught, I wouldn’t be in this mess. I wouldn’t be grounded. I wouldn’t be scared on a daily basis of my parents finally making me move schools. I wouldn’t be scared of not getting into a good college or going into alternative at school. I just wouldn’t be scared.

I guess this just another story about a teenage girl who got herself into drugs. But I’m digging my way out of this whole, one way or another. I’m determined. 

“Stealin’ and takin’ anything to fix the pieces inside. Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere. Only motivation for what the dealer’s supplying. That rush, that drug, that dope. Those pills, that crumb, that roach. Thinkin’ I would never do that, not that drug. And growing up nobody ever does. Until you’re stuck, lookin’ in the mirror like I can’t believe what I’ve become. Swore I was going to be someone, and growing up everyone always does. We sell our dreams and our potential, to escape through that buzz. Just keep me up, keep me up. Hollywood here we come.” ♥

Otherside - Macklemore.

Now you understand why I have part of that song in my description.

what a GREAT birthday, full of adventures & unexpected things happening.

Gossiping like in the movies at Fudruckers.. just like my birthday last year, pouring our hearts out to each other, acting like complete idiots in the restroom, going to the movies, walking to Walmart, trying to pull a Hey Mr., stealing Bacardi Silver from Walmart, sitting behind Walmart drinking and smoking, walking back to the movies & running into people I strongly dislike, running into some old friends, walking back to Walmart, hiding behind Walmart while “learning” how to smoke, having my friends push me around Walmart in some weird wheelchair, stealing some more Bacardi, getting some pretty damn good news <3, walking back to the movies, having guys try to “rape” us, ran from cops so we won’t get a curfew ticket, got picked up, went home, drank some more, spent hours trying to find a connect at three in the morning, failing at that, taking triple c’s, tripping out for a while, then passing out.

What a great night ♥

My new baby :3 I’m already in love with this camera.

Well, this should be fun.

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